At His Untraditional Bar Mitzvah, A Son With Autism Leads The Congregation

by Rabbi Rebecca Schorr for The Jewish Week

A piece of my soul died when we decided that Ben’s autism would necessitate a reexamination of a conventional Bar Mitzvah service. Having guided so many young people through their studies towards becoming Bar or Bat Mitzvah, I yearned to have the unique privilege of preparing my own son, my firstborn, the way my father, also a rabbi, had long ago prepared me.

Though Ben’s desire to mark this occasion by participating in our local Walk Now for Autism Speaks was one which we fully embraced, I mourned the demise of a fantasy: standing beside my child as he took his place in the chain of our family’s tradition, led his congregation in prayer, chanted from the Torah and delivered a d’var Torah, or commentary, upon reaching the age of commandments.

Martin Buber, one of the preeminent Jewish theologians of the last century, divides the human experience into two categories: I-It, in which we hold something back from another person, I-Thou, in which we share ourselves totally. He posits that our lives are enhanced and defined by our relationships – with our goal of being in relationship with God as the Ultimate Thou. Between a parent and child, I-Thou moments occur more frequently as the child matures. But parents of a child on the autism spectrum fear they might never come.

Yet as we moved through the weekend, I was taken aback by the abundance of I-Thou moments. At several points, I remember thinking to myself that I was experiencing such abject holiness and perfection that I had to emblaze it on my very soul.

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